I’m allergic to cats, have been for years. The sneezing and runny nose are bearable but tearing, itchy eyes can really overwhelm me. So I’ve been here for two days with two lovely cats, and I’m going back and forth between the 2 parts of the house, getting things I need to be comfortable, feeding the animals, etc. I’m taking a homeopathic animal dander remedy and putting in eye drops but whoa, it flares up and I can’t stop tearing and it’s really uncomfortable. Saturday I go visit a friend who I didn’t know also had a cat and even though I spend most of the time outside, I’m pretty miserable. My other eye starts to react also. Sunday, I’m constantly putting drops in, remembering the last time when I ended up at the eye doctors in a toxic allergic state. I attend a healing group I belong to and plan to stop by my house after and pick up my air cleaner for the apartment here. I’m worried I won’t be able to stay here and I love it here.
Please know with every healer and modality I’ve done, I’ve brought up this allergy for treatment. Usually I feel better but it has never cleared completely. So in our group I put it on the list, open but not convinced it’ll help much. In our group everyone puts their stuff on a list and we all work the list. (We’re all in this together!) So I’m working on my allergy and receive this whole picture of a conversation on the phone a long time ago with my Mom where all she’s talking about are her cats. Here I see myself saddened one more time with my Mom’s self absorption and my neediness. It’s painful and the message is to forgive my Mom and embrace who I was back then. I do not allow my mind to recreate a story or attempt to ‘process’ this information. I stay with the sadness, accept what I feel and stay with what’s in my heart. In order to move forward, I need to embrace my past self with full acceptance and absolve my Mom of my self care now.
My eye starts to quiet immediately after the healing. I open up the whole house to the cool evening air as I have done each night here. The tearing lessens and I take particular care to avoid the main house and to trust my body to resolve this. Of course I take the remedy and the drops, but something feels very different. Today my right eye is fine and my left eye has a mild irritation, the tearing is minimal.
I am reminded once more that this life is deeper than what we think. Maybe I have never really been allergic to cats at all, just allergic to a hurtful experience in my past, my body graciously somaticizing it into a bearable problem. Today I have felt okay when I was in the ‘catful’ part of the house, as I am right now. My eye feels like it is healing and my soul feels it is opening to a new level of acceptance of myself.
I know my expansion comes out of the connection to my past. Some people feel that each of us cannot more forward without all of us moving forward together. I don’t know if this is true; I do know that I’m responsible for me and I can help myself. My job is to heal my life by total radical acceptance of all I’ve ever been. This is the biggest and most blessed challenge I’ve ever taken on, especially since the only way, after all these years of thinking through it all, is to feel, feel and keep feeling until I’m done. The mind can never heal a broken heart and the heart is the only place where truth and reality appear.
Long ago, one of my teachers said the first thing we feel when we begin to open the heart is sadness. Most people back away right then, moving up into their heads to explain it all away. But the illusionary cure is not real. The pain goes underground and often comes out in weird ways. I’m sure we’ve all experienced that; the surprise attack of an emotion out of the blue that seems overdone for whatever situation we’re facing.
Being with myself totally, with whatever I’m honestly experiencing, is not always easy. It doesn’t necessarily look spiritual. Yet it works and I’m a practical person, I want to do what works. Loving my Mom and loving myself doesn’t always feel like the shortest path to a resolution, or the easiest. I don’t know yet whether I am free of my cat allergy but I am loving all aspects of my life right now.
The feeling I had most of today was one of immersion. Immersion into the depths of life, opening to the unseen world that underlies everything, the sacred world that holds the fabric and the magic that goes beyond what we usually see and think. Loving all of who I have been and all of who I am right now heals me. Then life unfolds her aliveness out my back door and the earth sings it’s glory.
Blessings,
Laurel
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